So I haven't eaten in a while. I've stopped counting the days. I spend my days laying in bed, or brisk-walking around the neighbourhood...
Don't eat
never eat
or you'll purge
I hear voices in my head, and I think i'm going mad. I have a strange presence in my head. She is French. Her name is Marie-Louise Claudine Jeanne Therese.
I call her Claudie. She has my face
I don't know how much longer I will be able to pretend I am not mad, when I so clearly am.
My body has a cycle of puking up fluids that I can no longer name. Making me shit and quiver uncontrollably. Then I can't shit, no matter how hard I try.
My muscles ache.
I talk to my mind often. We conspire against my body.
I don't sleep, i just stay up all night. I feel manic, and on edge. I cruise websites for pictures of girls I want to be.
I am neglecting the love of my life in the same disgusting way that I am neglecting calories.
I avoid them both, not wanting their nourishment. Both make me swell, one with love and uncertainty, the other with pounds of weight that I'll never want.
My heart is screaming. But no one notices. I stay in my room.
I have never been so in touch with every twitch of emotion in me. I am what I used to hate. Neurotic and self-absorbed. Nothing else matters to me.
The exam stress triggered this fast. And this is not the ordinary 'fasting to be better tomorrow than I am today' fast.
This is the frightened, skittish avoidance of nourishment. I have sat, determined, in front of a boiled egg. A celery stick. A cube of cheese. A cube of chocolate. A glass of water. A cup of tea.
A tic tac.

None of these could I put into my mouth.

I physically cannot do it.
I am deliriously happy
I am deliriously scared.
I want help
I run away from help

I feel like soon I won't move. I'll lay, forever until I crumble away.
Is that so bad?

Jemimah
xxx

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I think I've found a safe food. Today was the first day back at college. Trying to hide my *inner turmoil* sucked.

Anyway

Lunchtime rolls around, what to do what to do, don't wanna look abnormal on the first day back

It's pretty nice weather right now, and i made a discovery...
Duno if they exist in america, but there are these things in england called calipso/calippo "shots", which, as opposed to the 100cal ice lollies are only 25 calories for a whole carton. I can consume them slowly and look like i'm just enjoying an ice-treat on a hot day

Thank you baby jesus.

I haven't purged in about a week. It's all I can think about, and I want it badly. Everytime i go to the bathroom, I can think of nothing but how easy it would be to just lean down there and relieve the urge.

But There is nothing inside. Nothing to come out. My skirts that I bought for college slip and slide down my hips. I feel like I am retracting myself from the earth.

It's barely about appearance anymore. It's survival. If I eat, I will not allow what I have consumed to remain inside me.

I have to break the habit, and it's killing me.
I sleep next to my boyfriend every night, wondering about a binge solely so that I can purge it. Just to feel the high again, but I musn't, because I've been bleeding, and I can't let anyone know my secrets.
I think of mummy
and daddy
watching me from heaven, seeing the battles inside me. I feel demented. I wonder if they're proud, or if they're sickened by this thing that they created before they left.

I wonder about dying, and seeing them. I wonder about escaping the torments I suffered in the care system.

If I died, would it be any improvement on living?

But I love my boyfriend.

Next week, I'm going back to my own home, after staying for quite an extended period at my boyfriend's house, and I am worried about the freedom I'll have regarding food. At least here, It is not my own house, and I am slightly discouraged from raiding the cupboards in the dead of night intent on tearing myself from the inside. But when I get home, I'll only have my crappy self control to rely on. No dinner tonight, I musn't. It's been the same story for many nights.

Stay strong

Jemimah
xxx


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I've been having a couple of rough days, fasting always leaves me torn between the feeling of hunger and the longing to succeed. Also, my addiction to the glorious release of purging screams at me from the depths of my guts.

I go out, I try to distract myself. I wander through the supermarket aisles. Laxatives. Diet pills. Diet shakes. And the endless, sickly, enchanting rows of food, the chocolate, the carbohydrates in their many alluring forms, and oh god, oh god the cakes, the pizza, the deli counter. The vegetables don't even catch my eye. They stay in their rank section of cabbage-smelling stands, and I hate everything that enters my body, which is nothing but smells and sights. I want to stuff senna down my throat until I empty too violently to remain alive. I want to stuff all the evil simple carbs into myself, and then tear it back out with my own fingers.

This is my life. This is my day-to-day armada. To eat is to purge, but purging is dying slowly. I'm no anorexic, even when i try. Nature within me is food that gets ejected post-ingestion. If only I could be stronger, and say no altogether, forever. But the sickness is a drug. First, a satieting binge on everything I've ever dreamed of, which is everything that lives in my waking nightmares. Then, the bloated, crying, whimpering crawl to the bathroom, and freedom. Clean. Rinsed of everything that was within.

I'm telling myself that this, what I am writing, is not right. I'm telling myself that this blog was for helping others, better tips to make as healthy a lifestyle as possible out of this hell.

But I am going cold turkey on my absolute favourite thing, which is also the trident in the hand of the devil that tortures me. It is all I think of. It is all I want. I am the bile, longing to find its way up, and out of this acidic chamber.

Can you feel my desperation? can you feel it?

I cannot win. Eat or die.

But if I eat, I will want that relief, I will want to feed my hurling addiction.

And if I purge, like I'll want to

the blood that comes out of me will surely run thicker, and if it runs thicker

game. over.

This is a bad day. This is a cutting day. This is a day in which i will be unreachable. Not love, not friendship, not anything gets to me. Nothing but the urge.

and I think only of myself, and the others in the world that curl up, in the same ball as I do

and cry over the fat

and cry over the food

and cry over the hunger

and hurl themselves around the tomb of their withering bodies

and I love you all

xxx

egac sti ni staeb traeh eht
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Hello everyone. So sorry that I haven't posted in so frickin long! would take me ages to explain all the annoying crap that's sprung up, so I won't =p

anyway, Currently in the middle of a gruelling experiment with cleanses. Green tea is like a god to me. Over here in England, there was a one week break in February where my boyfriend tried to save me. I did really good, for three weeks, eating and even training again for marathons. I was covering some serious miles, and felt great. But just because I was doing well externally, That didn't mean that her voice was gone. Huh, all I could hear after a while was that soft, but persuasive voice, which turned harsh and malevolent if I tried to ignore it. So I stopped eating, again. And this is how I'll stay I guess.

Anyway, enough about me, I just wanna tell you, this site ROCKS, it tells you how long (ish) it should take you to reach your goals, on certain intakes/certain levels of activity.

http://www.losertown.org/eats/cal.php
Also, I can't emphasise enough just how important it is to lift weights and do crunches etc. You must do this if you are serious about reaching your goals.
I will come back, with some information about how to initiate (without fail) a bowel movement in the morning.Having regular bowel movements is key to weight loss.
speak soon, lovely readers
Jemimahxxx
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Just back home from having a week with my boyfriend. We both saved up so that we could make a fun week out of it, starting with valentine's day, which we just ended up spending at his place anyway, but that was nice. I made a promise to the part of my brain that still clings to its former identity as a cheerful, knowledge thirsty romantic, that i would leave all my ED crap for this week. Just one week. It went better than i could have thought, since my size 2 jeans are now loose. We did so much stuff, walking up the hills and ice skating. It was totally fun...but i lost weight. I came to the realisation that i must now do this without even thinking about it, because neither I nor my boyfriend kept any tabs on my eating habits. Sure enough, when i started unpacking my bag about two hours ago, what did i find?

Bags of food. I ask you, how does one ACTUALLY do that without realising it? It's so ridiculous i can't even begin to imagine what the hell has gone wrong in my mind that makes it possible for me to actually do that? Why do I do it, am I happy? I don't even know!

anyway, i wrote a poem the other week and I shared it on another site that I am a member of, so I thought I may aswell share it on my own blog too :-)

It doesn't have a name yet, it just is what it is.


Dear Body.
Hi, it's me
The soul that's lived inside you
all these years and days and weeks.
look, i know it always gets a little crazy when we speak
But i'm not here to start a fight
or initiate a war
It's just i felt something bad going on within our core
Body, i know you feel it too because you're curled up on the floor.

Dear Body
Me and brain are sorry
We're sorry for making you spit out what you've chewed
and we're sorry that at other times we weigh you down with food

Body, brain is sorry for not knowing how to pace our metabolic rate
We're sorry for forcing you to hurt yourself 'cause we're so filled up with hate

and I'm sorry i wasn't powerful enough to stand up to those girls,
to ignore and walk away from all the nasty things they'd yell,
I know your knee still hurts sometimes from when they pushed us and we fell

Oh body. I'm so sorry for not doing what was right
I know that when you went to bed you'd curl up while you cried
I promise i was there within you hurting every night
thinking hard of someway that i could make this heavy burden light

Body, me and brain know that we're saying this too late.
We'll never have you back the way you were when we were eight.
Brain and I are sorry for directing your sad eyes
in the direction of the girls who all had really little thighs,
And i'm sorry for making you buy all of those magazines
just because i wanted you to look at all those pretty skinny teens.

But understand that this can't only be OUR fault?
YOUR metabolism is what came to a halt!
....but let's not blame each other
even though we aren't friends
let's face it, we're just stuck this way until we meet our end
then we'll part ways, and you will have some rest
and i'll go someplace nice
if my sins don't fail the test

I think i have to go now, this talk just hurts too much
these wounds will never heal and they'll always hurt to touch.



Jemimah
xxx

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jeans, measurements and my beer belly!

went shopping today to spend my birthday spondoolies, and bought some new skinny jeans that i have been *want want want*ing in my head for yonks....anyway, picked up a size eight, and then stared longingly at the size six (american size 2) and on a whim, picked them up and took them to the fitting room instead of the size eight....

guess what gals? LIKE A GLOVE
I practically leapt around the fitting room, because being one size away from the american size zero feels damn good actually, i have missed size zero in the same way that one misses a dead pet, except size zero is less cuddly, and doesn't drool on your lap

I measured myself recently, and i am as following:
Bust-31
waist-26
hips-32

so my tiiiny chest (i am like a 9 year old boy with a tiny man-boob situation :-P) is actually within the size zero criteria, as is my hip measurement, but my tummy is letting the team down! It's such a kick in the arse you know? So, it's a more intense workout for me, as soon as i am rid of one huge pain in my ass.....

The aunt and cousin situ.....
ok, My aunt and my cousin have come up North to stay with us (they're from surrey) and they're both....i dunno, relatively big ladies, and they're on "diets". Now, since i last saw them, they've perhaps lost.....a stone and a half between them? And somehow this allows them to commandeer the title: The Diet Nazis.

OH MY SWEET JESUS, they have been right up my rectum about this entire thing. I ate four grapes, and they (who, no offence, probably have my waist measurement on each thigh) made comments about how "that figure won't last long if you keep chomping all day"

FUCK OFF!!! seriously! They proceeded to ATTACK the remnants of my birthday cake (not that i care, i deliberately asked for a flavour that i don't care for) So i sat there watching them, and stretched pretending to yawn, so my top would stretch up and they could get a load of my ribs. silly cows.

aaaanyway. They're currently in my room, so I'm going to have to wait until they leave before i can weigh myself every morning (my scales are in my bedroom, and they're being COMPLETELY territorial. Psychos.)

I've been on a very irritating plateau, at just below 99lbs since my last bloody blog, so tomorrow, i'm whipping out the big guns with a salt water cleanse. Wish me luck!

Jemimah
xxx

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It was my birthday on the 30th January, i turned 19. This led to much contemplation about my years with an ED! It was a pleasant day, spent up until 4pm with the whole family as well as my boyfriend (who arrived with flowers, and told me i had to wait until we got to his for my presents, hehe) and then me and my boyfriend left to go and see a film and then make our way to his house, where i was staying the night. I spent the entire week persuading myself to eat a small meal at my birthday lunch, which i did (yay me!! this is a big achievement for me) but ooooooh boy did i regret it!!!
Basically, i was completely fine until 1:30am, when i woke with a start in my boyfriend's bed, feeling extremely odd...went into the bathroom, and (sorry to be graphic and gross) LITERALLY did not know which end to put down on the toilet first .....

.....mucho sick!!
felt especially guilty, because my poor boyfriend ended up being up half the night with me because i was so ill. Yuck!

I've had a horrible streeeessful couple of weeks exam wise, which means i've only gotten to 99lbs, when i would have preferred to be at around 95 by now :-( but i suppose this is where i am, i need to accept that and soldier on!

Have been incorporating either protein or vitamins into my breakfast, which in jemimah-language means i either have 1 boiled egg, or one piece of fruit. Then i eat dinner at around 4pm, which is usually a small serving of steamed fish, or a quorn fillet (they're fantastic, only 47cals) with some steamed veg. Inbetween these meals, i drink lots of water and up to three soya milk teas, but no more than three, that is my absolute limit, and i rarely reach it. So all in all, i've been feeling fairly nice lately, like i've found a happy medium between restricting and fasting, as my breakfast is always less than 80 cals and my dinner is always less than 250, and i do about an hour and a half of exercise most days (struggling to do more because of the problems i've been having with my respiratory system = [ ). I think i was probably ill on my birthday night because the balance was compromised, and my body reeeally didn't like it!

anyway, here's a lovely little bit of information for you:
Cranberry juice=low cal, right?

ocean spray light cranberry juice=only 20cals per 250ml!!!!!

love it and love you!!!
speak soon lovely skinny ladies
Jemimah xxx
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