So I haven't eaten in a while. I've stopped counting the days. I spend my days laying in bed, or brisk-walking around the neighbourhood...
Don't eat
never eat
or you'll purge
I hear voices in my head, and I think i'm going mad. I have a strange presence in my head. She is French. Her name is Marie-Louise Claudine Jeanne Therese.
I call her Claudie. She has my face
I don't know how much longer I will be able to pretend I am not mad, when I so clearly am.
My body has a cycle of puking up fluids that I can no longer name. Making me shit and quiver uncontrollably. Then I can't shit, no matter how hard I try.
My muscles ache.
I talk to my mind often. We conspire against my body.
I don't sleep, i just stay up all night. I feel manic, and on edge. I cruise websites for pictures of girls I want to be.
I am neglecting the love of my life in the same disgusting way that I am neglecting calories.
I avoid them both, not wanting their nourishment. Both make me swell, one with love and uncertainty, the other with pounds of weight that I'll never want.
My heart is screaming. But no one notices. I stay in my room.
I have never been so in touch with every twitch of emotion in me. I am what I used to hate. Neurotic and self-absorbed. Nothing else matters to me.
The exam stress triggered this fast. And this is not the ordinary 'fasting to be better tomorrow than I am today' fast.
This is the frightened, skittish avoidance of nourishment. I have sat, determined, in front of a boiled egg. A celery stick. A cube of cheese. A cube of chocolate. A glass of water. A cup of tea.
A tic tac.
None of these could I put into my mouth.
I physically cannot do it.
I am deliriously happy
I am deliriously scared.
I want help
I run away from help
I feel like soon I won't move. I'll lay, forever until I crumble away.
Is that so bad?
Jemimah
xxx
Powered by WebRing.Don't eat
never eat
or you'll purge
I hear voices in my head, and I think i'm going mad. I have a strange presence in my head. She is French. Her name is Marie-Louise Claudine Jeanne Therese.
I call her Claudie. She has my face
I don't know how much longer I will be able to pretend I am not mad, when I so clearly am.
My body has a cycle of puking up fluids that I can no longer name. Making me shit and quiver uncontrollably. Then I can't shit, no matter how hard I try.
My muscles ache.
I talk to my mind often. We conspire against my body.
I don't sleep, i just stay up all night. I feel manic, and on edge. I cruise websites for pictures of girls I want to be.
I am neglecting the love of my life in the same disgusting way that I am neglecting calories.
I avoid them both, not wanting their nourishment. Both make me swell, one with love and uncertainty, the other with pounds of weight that I'll never want.
My heart is screaming. But no one notices. I stay in my room.
I have never been so in touch with every twitch of emotion in me. I am what I used to hate. Neurotic and self-absorbed. Nothing else matters to me.
The exam stress triggered this fast. And this is not the ordinary 'fasting to be better tomorrow than I am today' fast.
This is the frightened, skittish avoidance of nourishment. I have sat, determined, in front of a boiled egg. A celery stick. A cube of cheese. A cube of chocolate. A glass of water. A cup of tea.
A tic tac.
None of these could I put into my mouth.
I physically cannot do it.
I am deliriously happy
I am deliriously scared.
I want help
I run away from help
I feel like soon I won't move. I'll lay, forever until I crumble away.
Is that so bad?
Jemimah
xxx
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