mmmmkay so I'm feeling kind of interesting.....yesterday, I "ate" a takeaway curry with the boyfriend and his mum....and have worried half the night in case dogs die when they eat Bombay potatoes..... and also that I'll never get the stain out of my blazer, there was a hole in the bag i put in my pocket.... but aside from this, anything akin to hunger has now completely disappeared, and I feel so free! before Christmas, I bought a steel boned under bust corset, which I am wearing for certain amounts of each day, until i "break it in" so to speak, and then I'll aim to wear it all day and night except for bathing/showering, and swimming (i swim every weekday, take ballet a couple times a week, and run some weekdays and on the weekend-apart from the last couple of weeks as I'm post op, and it's sore when touched by chlorine, and i can't put too much strain on it with running, so I'm kind of yoga-ing it up until next week when I'm back at uni and I'm gonna get back in that pool come hell or high water). The interesting thing that I've found with the corset is that, if i wear it during a time when I'm not too much in the "public" eye (in other words the family eye) apart from my boyfriend, who laces me into it most times, and the time I normally choose is for about two to three hours before they all sit down to dinner, by the time I come to take it off for dinner (I've always sat cross legged on the chair, leaning over the table, if I sat any other way they'd think it was weird, and I can't sit this way with the corset on) I have literally NO appetite. I'm only taking in 2-3 inches, as is recommended when you're "seasoning" the corset, but it really does the trick. If anything, once I take the corset off, i feel kind of floppy, which then makes me feel a little nauseous. So even if family-happy-feeling persuaded me to eat, with the addition of the corset to my routine, I literally can't face it. I don't see family very often anymore, what with living away from home, and even when I am home, I live with my boyfriend most of the time, at his mums' when we're home, and just visit with my family, so when i do see them, i'm so happy, it makes me want to make them happy, and after all the IP crap I've put them through over and over, it actually often persuades me to eat a meal for them, to make them feel like I'm out of the woods. So the corset just persuades me to stick to my guns despite the way I feel, and thus in the long run, keeps me safe from hateful thoughts and so on.
When I get back to my flat at uni, I can keep the corset on during the time when my boyfriend sits down to dinner. Even if I have a plate in front of me then, I won't want much, if any.
I'm not sure how I actually feel about uni. On the one hand, it'll give me a lot of my freedom back, and access to my treadmill (yup, last year we bought a treadmill, literally best buy of my life!!!) the beautiful Olympic sized pool that we have a membership for, and my ballet class, which I love. I wasn't sure if I would continue dancing after high school and sixth form ended, but it turned out that I missed it so much, I just had to go back. I chose an amazing class, the only class that offers adult pointe classes, and THE loveliest teacher in the world. So yeah, Uni is kind of attractive in that sense. But in the sense that i'm gonna have to face all that work, the assignments, and the general revision stress of uni makes me feel sick to my stomach. I get so anxious, I basically live my uni life with a perpetual feeling of doom. I kind of brought this up to the doctor last time I saw her, but I'm having some kidney/bladder problems right now, and apparently (i totally had no idea about this) medication that they use for anxiety can clash with those used to treat the urinary system.....news to me!! She gave me the number for my uni counsellor.....but i hate counselling. I actually think it makes me worse, because I worry about what truths to tell, and what to lie about.....so it causes me more stress than it relieves.
yesterday, These are the things that DID pass my lips:
Glasses of water: three and a half, i think
Herbal tea: one, cranberry and raspberry
one actual cup of tea, as I felt faint and i needed to walk the dog: tea, skim milk, sugar (34 cals)
One green bean in some of the sauce from the vegetable karahi that we ordered. (cals unknown. maybe 20-40? with the sauce it's hard to tell.)

I can't often face a lot of liquids, I hate anything being inside me, but yesterday, what with the laxative holocaust i inflicted on my body....it kind of felt necessary.
I had a shower in the morning, and a bath in the evening, and I still can't touch my skin....I'm not sure if I've mentioned this on the blog yet, actually? I think I've picked up a ridiculous phobia, after last year-ish, i saw on this hospital documentary about a woman getting necrotizing fasciitis from touching soil in her garden and then touching her eye....but I literally can't bear to touch my own skin. I moisturize etc using cotton balls or pads, I wash my face with a flannel or muslin cloth, and I wash my body wearing those exfoliating gloves you can buy. I can touch my hair to wash it, although wet hair gives me the shivers, but it's not as bad when it's your own.
I think I've babbled enough...
Love to all who read
Jemimah
xxx

Powered by WebRing.