It's the beginning of that hideous time of the month where i SHOULD have a period, but nowadays i instead just have agonizing pains in my stomach that make me vomit sometimes....which is great! I take a contraceptive pill, so during the 7 day gap where I'm supposed to bleed, I instead have this. It makes it REALLY hard for me to not just say, ah I'll skip it this month, why not. So I'm sat here, while my boyfriend has gone out, alone with a hot water bottle permanently attached to my abdomen, pretty much bed bound, and to top it off, I have a pretty gross spot throbbing on my chin. Beauty emanates from every pore......It seems soooo deeply unfair that I don't have the period but I still get the pain. Twisted logic if you ask me! anyway, have survived about....five days? so far on a cup of tea per day, plus whatever water/herbal tea I can be bothered to drink. I dunno what I've lost or gained, as I don't have scales until I go back to the flat. I must say though, I care less and less about what my actual weight is. As long as the number on the scale goes down everyday, I feel ok. If for any reason I step on the scale and I have remained at the same weight, or have gained, it throws off my ENTIRE day, and I plummet into a complete depression=trench that lasts until I lose enough to feel like I made up for it. I am SO not looking forward to my 21st.....ugh.....birthdays. At least I don't really do anything. I was thrown a lovely party for my eighteenth, but that was back when I had friends. It was a good time. I recovered, for a short while, and everyone was smiley, and I felt pretty good. I can't imagine having the same big grin on my face this year. Most years, I've been a miserable, starving little swine on my birthday. I am the festive-cheer killer. ESPECIALLY when it's my birthday. I despise birthdays. Not sure why.....but I do. I can feel myself rambling....I don't especially have any big message or information today, which will probably make this rather a tedious and boring post. I guess I'm typing to ignore my pains.....I love how I don't have to distract myself from hunger though. It just literally isn't there. I think I'm not the only one to have experienced this nirvana.....there are girls and boys I've met in IP who have had this. After a while, maybe our bodies stop bothering to remind us. So many fruitless complaints, so many ignored rumblings. So eventually the hunger pangs leave us, and we really, genuinely have no appetite. I think I've lost more than my appetite. I actually do occasionally eat, but it means nothing to me. I don't worry about my boyfriend having sweets in the house, or any other junk, because I know I won't eat it. It's a kind of freedom, but in a way it makes me sad that I've achieved it, because is it an achievement, really? For me to have abused myself so deeply that I don't even function for survival anymore....
It doesn't matter though. I'd suffer either way, except this way I can't tell I'm suffering until something major happens again. It's actually a little more palatable than having to clutch at yourself in agony because your body is determined that YOUWILLEATNOW
haha
I'm going to the cinema tonight, and I'm pretty excited! it's really nice to be excited about something.
Tomorrow will be hell, as I'm moving back to our university flat, and we have to take all of our belongings, my partner's bike, my pet mice AND their enormous cage on the train, as his mum won't help us out.....man her shit is starting to get old for me. Not that it was ever refreshing behaviour. She has pissed me off solidly for the five years I've been with her son.....Must ignore the signals my brain gives me whenever she's nearby, which is kill, kill, kill....kill her until she's a gory puddle of matter and splatter.....
I'm not a psycho, honest. I bet we've all been there....
I'll probably shut up now

love to all who read
Jemimah
xxx

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