I think I've found a safe food. Today was the first day back at college. Trying to hide my *inner turmoil* sucked.

Anyway

Lunchtime rolls around, what to do what to do, don't wanna look abnormal on the first day back

It's pretty nice weather right now, and i made a discovery...
Duno if they exist in america, but there are these things in england called calipso/calippo "shots", which, as opposed to the 100cal ice lollies are only 25 calories for a whole carton. I can consume them slowly and look like i'm just enjoying an ice-treat on a hot day

Thank you baby jesus.

I haven't purged in about a week. It's all I can think about, and I want it badly. Everytime i go to the bathroom, I can think of nothing but how easy it would be to just lean down there and relieve the urge.

But There is nothing inside. Nothing to come out. My skirts that I bought for college slip and slide down my hips. I feel like I am retracting myself from the earth.

It's barely about appearance anymore. It's survival. If I eat, I will not allow what I have consumed to remain inside me.

I have to break the habit, and it's killing me.
I sleep next to my boyfriend every night, wondering about a binge solely so that I can purge it. Just to feel the high again, but I musn't, because I've been bleeding, and I can't let anyone know my secrets.
I think of mummy
and daddy
watching me from heaven, seeing the battles inside me. I feel demented. I wonder if they're proud, or if they're sickened by this thing that they created before they left.

I wonder about dying, and seeing them. I wonder about escaping the torments I suffered in the care system.

If I died, would it be any improvement on living?

But I love my boyfriend.

Next week, I'm going back to my own home, after staying for quite an extended period at my boyfriend's house, and I am worried about the freedom I'll have regarding food. At least here, It is not my own house, and I am slightly discouraged from raiding the cupboards in the dead of night intent on tearing myself from the inside. But when I get home, I'll only have my crappy self control to rely on. No dinner tonight, I musn't. It's been the same story for many nights.

Stay strong

Jemimah
xxx


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