Ribs and Cages. english girl, living a mia lifestyle.
Thursday, 12 January 2012
Hi guys, the skincare post is a work in progress, it's taking me a little longer to fully describe all of the lovely products that make life less crappy. But it will come, in time. Another reason it's taking me a little longer is because I have some serious shit going down in my life at the moment, I have suddenly got a thousand assignments due in in the next couple of weeks (okay, not a thousand but it certainly feels that way!) and some social issues involving the circus that my peers taking a horrible interest in my sex life has become. I am under constant scrutiny and ridicule, because I am in fact attracted to people regardless of their gender. I'm very stressed about this at the moment (i decided to briefly blog about it for stress relief when this morning a sizeable clump of my hair came tumbling out as I brushed it.... So yeah, those are my excuses for not having posted anything in anyway good this last week. Another shitty aspect of being really frightened and stressed about uni is that I am throwing up (not on purpose this time, jeepers!) whenever I take anything in, which is making me feel really quite poorly. I might have to drink some rehydration sachets (which i f*cking LOATHE by the way) just to try and level the status quo. So, to sum up, I feel like crap and I have loads of unreasonable work to do, and it's all doom and gloom in castle von jemimah right now... It worries me and excites me at the same time that I am probably going to end up hating the sensation of drinks as well as food, which was my downfall last time...I'll just have to grit the teeth and try and bear the diuralyte sachets, and hope for the best.
I'm all moved in back at the flat at university, with my boyfriend. The journey was a total nightmare not to mention the fact that I was carrying my two live pet mice in a pet travel case in my backpack (I left the zipper undone a little so they wouldn't suffocate, I transport them like this all the time :) ) We dragged all of our belongings onto the crowded train, and then had to drag them all from the train station to our apartment block, which took us an hour, despite being only 1 mile in distance. this is because the bags were REALLY heavy, and the wheels on the cases FELL THE FUCK OFF, ARRRGHHHHH. All this because his darling mother wouldn't give us a lift to our university abode, because "driving home alone makes her feel sad". This was annoying enough, guys 'n' gals, but then my sister rang me later on, and notified me that she had bumped into his mother in a shop, literally half an hour after we had gotten onto a train, and she was apparently all smiley and chirpy. BITCH. Anyway, rant over. Yesterday, I ate 200cals...soup and some fraction of a cracker, but I have noted my calories as though I ate the whole cracker, because...I like to round up anyway and I couldn't be arsed to imagine what a quarter of a cracker weighs. I've been trying to think of some kind of useful wisdom I could give to my readers. One that is relevant to having some form of ED. Something relevant to ANY kind of ED. One that wouldn't be encouraging people stumbling across the blog to starve, if they don't already, or encourage them to do any other kind of damaging behaviour if they're not already sick with an ED. So I figured that either tonight, after I've thought long and hard about which products to include, or tomorrowish, I shall post: The ED sufferers guide to NOT having skin like a leathery, hormonal-spotty purse. This is an art I have had to perfect for a very VERY long time, as I am a very fussy person, and a single blemish throws me into a down tail of hellish proportions. I currently HAVE a blemish on my chin (which by the way, as you probably know already, means it is a hormonal spot. We anas and mias must get used to our hormones coming back to bite. Most of us lose our menses, so we've got to expect of course that our hormones will do other insane things as well) I am confident, however, that because I sat and stared at it for nearly the entire train journey yesterday, literally sizing the little bugger up, I have treated it according to a pronged plan, which involved: the skin around it. The texture of it. The colour of it. The shine or non shine of it. The firmness of it. I have been doing this for so long, that I have rather an array of products and tricks, saved to memory from all those times when I just discovered THE way to deal with a particular kind of spot/blemish. I will have a small, pinkish mark tomorrow, which I will cover up with yves saint laurent touche eclat, or a concealer pencil, again having considered the things I considered still when I was treating the spot. So I shall go now, and distract myself from the fact that I don't weigh 0lbs, by composing my list of can't-live-without-products-for-ED-skin-in-all-kinds-of-weather-and-all-kinds-of-skin. and I shall recommend a steel boned corset once again. they're amazing. For now love to all who read Jemimah xxx
It's the beginning of that hideous time of the month where i SHOULD have a period, but nowadays i instead just have agonizing pains in my stomach that make me vomit sometimes....which is great! I take a contraceptive pill, so during the 7 day gap where I'm supposed to bleed, I instead have this. It makes it REALLY hard for me to not just say, ah I'll skip it this month, why not. So I'm sat here, while my boyfriend has gone out, alone with a hot water bottle permanently attached to my abdomen, pretty much bed bound, and to top it off, I have a pretty gross spot throbbing on my chin. Beauty emanates from every pore......It seems soooo deeply unfair that I don't have the period but I still get the pain. Twisted logic if you ask me! anyway, have survived about....five days? so far on a cup of tea per day, plus whatever water/herbal tea I can be bothered to drink. I dunno what I've lost or gained, as I don't have scales until I go back to the flat. I must say though, I care less and less about what my actual weight is. As long as the number on the scale goes down everyday, I feel ok. If for any reason I step on the scale and I have remained at the same weight, or have gained, it throws off my ENTIRE day, and I plummet into a complete depression=trench that lasts until I lose enough to feel like I made up for it. I am SO not looking forward to my 21st.....ugh.....birthdays. At least I don't really do anything. I was thrown a lovely party for my eighteenth, but that was back when I had friends. It was a good time. I recovered, for a short while, and everyone was smiley, and I felt pretty good. I can't imagine having the same big grin on my face this year. Most years, I've been a miserable, starving little swine on my birthday. I am the festive-cheer killer. ESPECIALLY when it's my birthday. I despise birthdays. Not sure why.....but I do. I can feel myself rambling....I don't especially have any big message or information today, which will probably make this rather a tedious and boring post. I guess I'm typing to ignore my pains.....I love how I don't have to distract myself from hunger though. It just literally isn't there. I think I'm not the only one to have experienced this nirvana.....there are girls and boys I've met in IP who have had this. After a while, maybe our bodies stop bothering to remind us. So many fruitless complaints, so many ignored rumblings. So eventually the hunger pangs leave us, and we really, genuinely have no appetite. I think I've lost more than my appetite. I actually do occasionally eat, but it means nothing to me. I don't worry about my boyfriend having sweets in the house, or any other junk, because I know I won't eat it. It's a kind of freedom, but in a way it makes me sad that I've achieved it, because is it an achievement, really? For me to have abused myself so deeply that I don't even function for survival anymore.... It doesn't matter though. I'd suffer either way, except this way I can't tell I'm suffering until something major happens again. It's actually a little more palatable than having to clutch at yourself in agony because your body is determined that YOUWILLEATNOW haha I'm going to the cinema tonight, and I'm pretty excited! it's really nice to be excited about something. Tomorrow will be hell, as I'm moving back to our university flat, and we have to take all of our belongings, my partner's bike, my pet mice AND their enormous cage on the train, as his mum won't help us out.....man her shit is starting to get old for me. Not that it was ever refreshing behaviour. She has pissed me off solidly for the five years I've been with her son.....Must ignore the signals my brain gives me whenever she's nearby, which is kill, kill, kill....kill her until she's a gory puddle of matter and splatter..... I'm not a psycho, honest. I bet we've all been there.... I'll probably shut up now
mmmmkay so I'm feeling kind of interesting.....yesterday, I "ate" a takeaway curry with the boyfriend and his mum....and have worried half the night in case dogs die when they eat Bombay potatoes..... and also that I'll never get the stain out of my blazer, there was a hole in the bag i put in my pocket.... but aside from this, anything akin to hunger has now completely disappeared, and I feel so free! before Christmas, I bought a steel boned under bust corset, which I am wearing for certain amounts of each day, until i "break it in" so to speak, and then I'll aim to wear it all day and night except for bathing/showering, and swimming (i swim every weekday, take ballet a couple times a week, and run some weekdays and on the weekend-apart from the last couple of weeks as I'm post op, and it's sore when touched by chlorine, and i can't put too much strain on it with running, so I'm kind of yoga-ing it up until next week when I'm back at uni and I'm gonna get back in that pool come hell or high water). The interesting thing that I've found with the corset is that, if i wear it during a time when I'm not too much in the "public" eye (in other words the family eye) apart from my boyfriend, who laces me into it most times, and the time I normally choose is for about two to three hours before they all sit down to dinner, by the time I come to take it off for dinner (I've always sat cross legged on the chair, leaning over the table, if I sat any other way they'd think it was weird, and I can't sit this way with the corset on) I have literally NO appetite. I'm only taking in 2-3 inches, as is recommended when you're "seasoning" the corset, but it really does the trick. If anything, once I take the corset off, i feel kind of floppy, which then makes me feel a little nauseous. So even if family-happy-feeling persuaded me to eat, with the addition of the corset to my routine, I literally can't face it. I don't see family very often anymore, what with living away from home, and even when I am home, I live with my boyfriend most of the time, at his mums' when we're home, and just visit with my family, so when i do see them, i'm so happy, it makes me want to make them happy, and after all the IP crap I've put them through over and over, it actually often persuades me to eat a meal for them, to make them feel like I'm out of the woods. So the corset just persuades me to stick to my guns despite the way I feel, and thus in the long run, keeps me safe from hateful thoughts and so on. When I get back to my flat at uni, I can keep the corset on during the time when my boyfriend sits down to dinner. Even if I have a plate in front of me then, I won't want much, if any. I'm not sure how I actually feel about uni. On the one hand, it'll give me a lot of my freedom back, and access to my treadmill (yup, last year we bought a treadmill, literally best buy of my life!!!) the beautiful Olympic sized pool that we have a membership for, and my ballet class, which I love. I wasn't sure if I would continue dancing after high school and sixth form ended, but it turned out that I missed it so much, I just had to go back. I chose an amazing class, the only class that offers adult pointe classes, and THE loveliest teacher in the world. So yeah, Uni is kind of attractive in that sense. But in the sense that i'm gonna have to face all that work, the assignments, and the general revision stress of uni makes me feel sick to my stomach. I get so anxious, I basically live my uni life with a perpetual feeling of doom. I kind of brought this up to the doctor last time I saw her, but I'm having some kidney/bladder problems right now, and apparently (i totally had no idea about this) medication that they use for anxiety can clash with those used to treat the urinary system.....news to me!! She gave me the number for my uni counsellor.....but i hate counselling. I actually think it makes me worse, because I worry about what truths to tell, and what to lie about.....so it causes me more stress than it relieves. yesterday, These are the things that DID pass my lips: Glasses of water: three and a half, i think Herbal tea: one, cranberry and raspberry one actual cup of tea, as I felt faint and i needed to walk the dog: tea, skim milk, sugar (34 cals) One green bean in some of the sauce from the vegetable karahi that we ordered. (cals unknown. maybe 20-40? with the sauce it's hard to tell.)
I can't often face a lot of liquids, I hate anything being inside me, but yesterday, what with the laxative holocaust i inflicted on my body....it kind of felt necessary. I had a shower in the morning, and a bath in the evening, and I still can't touch my skin....I'm not sure if I've mentioned this on the blog yet, actually? I think I've picked up a ridiculous phobia, after last year-ish, i saw on this hospital documentary about a woman gettingnecrotizingfasciitis from touching soil in her garden and then touching her eye....but I literally can't bear to touch my own skin. I moisturize etc using cotton balls or pads, I wash my face with a flannel or muslin cloth, and I wash my body wearing those exfoliating gloves you can buy. I can touch my hair to wash it, although wet hair gives me the shivers, but it's not as bad when it's your own. I think I've babbled enough... Love to all who read Jemimah xxx
Started the day with a wicked stomach ache, from laxatives that I took in a slight frenzy before I went to bed. My measurements are 31.5, 22, 33.5, but I'm short so those measurements are worthless. Started the day with a cup of tea to make my boyfriend happy. I think he knows something's wrong. I've steadily lost weight over christmas, instead of gaining, despite the fact that to everyone I spent christmas with, I appear to have eaten what I've been advised to eat by my doctor. Thankfully, being post-op, This isn't as much as a recovery diet, but is still enough to make the bile rise in my throat at the thought. I've reverted to the fashionable blazers, with non-fashion adjustments....sandwich bags sewn in the pockets and sleeves, allowing me to dispose of the crap later. The tea I drank this morning soothed my stomach ache somewhat, but I hate the feeling of the hot fluid slipping down. I feel like a rabbit hole is about to open under me. Anyone reading this who suffers in the same way will know the feeling, that you aren't going to be able to save yourself from yourself, not this time. Over summer, I wasn't exactly a bad girl. I occasionally purged after days out with the boyfriend and his mum, having been lost in the happy family day out feeling, and eating something that would fester inside me for the rest of the day....and on the days I didn't eat, he didn't know that. I've been kind, and thoughtful, which isn't like me at all. Normally, I actually couldn't give a shit if he knows, because I figure, well this is me, isn't it? But we've been together five long years now, and when I look into his face, I know i have to conceal it. Even if it continues being so blindly obvious, I have to deny, and he hopefully will look the other way to avoid the pain. Because this problem has been in my life longer than he has, but he might be harder to let go of, even if that is a gigantic statement, considering I've struggled for nearly exactly ten years. My 21st looms. I'm gloomy today. I guess I'll try and drown it with water I don't want to drink, hopefully helping the laxatives I can't help but take along the way.
It occurred to me today, when i (finally) came home from a ridiculously long and drawn out procedure to close another oesophagal tear....seriously peeved about the fuss they made about putting me under anaesthesia this time. How low can I go? I have this sick feeling in my stomach, Like I literally don't even know the worst of it yet.
I go home for christmas this weekend. This whole week i've been laid in bed with gastroentiritis...(a kind of stomach flu) At first I ate what my boyfriend spoonfed me, and drank the rehydration sachets, mixed into the right amounts of water. But now I'm taking laxatives behind his back, and turning away from the clean, steamed meals; the fish and the rice. I can see the pain in his eyes when he looks through my facade of recovery. He'll die from my pain long before I do. The stomach cramps are terrible, so I'm going to go to sleep
