Just back home from having a week with my boyfriend. We both saved up so that we could make a fun week out of it, starting with valentine's day, which we just ended up spending at his place anyway, but that was nice. I made a promise to the part of my brain that still clings to its former identity as a cheerful, knowledge thirsty romantic, that i would leave all my ED crap for this week. Just one week. It went better than i could have thought, since my size 2 jeans are now loose. We did so much stuff, walking up the hills and ice skating. It was totally fun...but i lost weight. I came to the realisation that i must now do this without even thinking about it, because neither I nor my boyfriend kept any tabs on my eating habits. Sure enough, when i started unpacking my bag about two hours ago, what did i find?

Bags of food. I ask you, how does one ACTUALLY do that without realising it? It's so ridiculous i can't even begin to imagine what the hell has gone wrong in my mind that makes it possible for me to actually do that? Why do I do it, am I happy? I don't even know!

anyway, i wrote a poem the other week and I shared it on another site that I am a member of, so I thought I may aswell share it on my own blog too :-)

It doesn't have a name yet, it just is what it is.


Dear Body.
Hi, it's me
The soul that's lived inside you
all these years and days and weeks.
look, i know it always gets a little crazy when we speak
But i'm not here to start a fight
or initiate a war
It's just i felt something bad going on within our core
Body, i know you feel it too because you're curled up on the floor.

Dear Body
Me and brain are sorry
We're sorry for making you spit out what you've chewed
and we're sorry that at other times we weigh you down with food

Body, brain is sorry for not knowing how to pace our metabolic rate
We're sorry for forcing you to hurt yourself 'cause we're so filled up with hate

and I'm sorry i wasn't powerful enough to stand up to those girls,
to ignore and walk away from all the nasty things they'd yell,
I know your knee still hurts sometimes from when they pushed us and we fell

Oh body. I'm so sorry for not doing what was right
I know that when you went to bed you'd curl up while you cried
I promise i was there within you hurting every night
thinking hard of someway that i could make this heavy burden light

Body, me and brain know that we're saying this too late.
We'll never have you back the way you were when we were eight.
Brain and I are sorry for directing your sad eyes
in the direction of the girls who all had really little thighs,
And i'm sorry for making you buy all of those magazines
just because i wanted you to look at all those pretty skinny teens.

But understand that this can't only be OUR fault?
YOUR metabolism is what came to a halt!
....but let's not blame each other
even though we aren't friends
let's face it, we're just stuck this way until we meet our end
then we'll part ways, and you will have some rest
and i'll go someplace nice
if my sins don't fail the test

I think i have to go now, this talk just hurts too much
these wounds will never heal and they'll always hurt to touch.



Jemimah
xxx

Powered by WebRing.