Let me tell you a little story, okay? to take all of the embellishments and so on out of what is otherwise a long story, here we go:
I was seven when someone called me 'fat' for the first time. To be exact, i think it was 'fat ugly cow' by an older student in my primary school. From then on, i because very shy, very unhappy, and very very lonely. These insults turned into bullying. Older girls stood around me in the toilets shouting "YOUR DAD TOPPED HIMSELF, YOUR DAD TOPPED HIMSELF". My father committed suicide in 1997. Not only was i being taunted about my painful losses (they mocked the deaths of both parents, but i do not wish to speak about my mother's) but I was also suffering taunts such as "he probably did it because he was so ashamed that he produced YOU, you're ugly and FAT"
One day, when i was ten, they held me down, and stuffed sandwiches from their lunchboxes into my mouth until i could hardly breathe. Then they each kicked me, and left me there on the floor. I was too frightened to tell anyone, and so their deeds went unpunished. I turned eleven, and knew that i had february, march, april, may, june, july and august until i would start my new highschool. A fresh start. So i started hiding food in my sleeves. only a bit at first. Then more and more until that was inefficient. Finally, i got into a cycle of spitting whole chewed mouthfuls into my school jumper sleeves at dinner. At school, i just emptied my lunchbox into the bin as soon as i arrived in the morning. And yes, my weight changed dramatically, until finally i collapsed, one month into my brand new highschool year. I was rehabilitated, and placed back into my classes, only to find that almost the whole of my yeargroup thought i was a freak, and the teasing continued. From then on, my weight fluctuated, between periods of eating nothing at all, to periods of eating so much food that my stomach would stick out like a lead balloon, and then inducing vomiting, so much that i would randomly wretch during the day, and spit blood onto my hands. I was hospitalised for a tear in the upper part of my oesophagus. The lack of nutrition strained my heart. My pulmonary artery was so strained that it began to collapse (this is a lasting condition, known as Pulmonary Artery Stenosis or PAS), and i was hospitalised to have a "ballooning" operation done on my pulmonary artery. Ever since then, i have suffered from asthma, and every chest infection i get is excruciating, and a mere cold can mean many weeks being too weak to move from my bed. I got larger, reaching a weight of 120lbs, which at 5ft does not look very nice. I am now irreversibly unhealthy, and obsessed with losing weight. I have missed so much of my education that i am now a year behind all of the friends i actually managed to make. I had to watch them all leave for university, leaving me alone. I cannot eat a thing without feeling dirty, and guilty. My throat is constantly sore from the acid in my vomit. Everything aches. I am never warm. My vision blurs a lot, and i suffer migraines. I am not allowed to drive, incase i pass out at the wheel. I am so depressed that i cannot concentrate, and i fail almost every exam that i sit, which depresses me more, as i am, and have always been, a perfectionist.
M-ilie, sweetheart, think about what you are asking me. In your comment, you stated that you are new at this. What is 'this'? eating disorders? please don't think i am singling you out to be horrible, i absolutely don't mean any harm to a single hair on your head. All i want to say is that having an eating disorder is a miserable existence. It ruins everything. Every door of hope slams shut in my face. You cannot start having an eating disorder by asking how to do it. An eating disorder is a mental illness. And if you try to live this way, let me warn you, it sucks the joy, it sucks the hope, it sucks the life out of you. You are left an empty shell. Perfection is the goal, but the goal is unattainable.
Please, try eating a healthy diet, feel blessed that you are not mentally disordered, feel happy that you can walk away from this unchanged, rather than trying to chase the path of a mental disorder. Think of schizophrenia! that's a mental illness, not glamourous, right!
please feel free to contact me whenever you like, to talk, to vent, or even just for a listening ear
but please don't ask me to infect you with a disease that is not contagious sweetheart, it cannot be done, and you shouldn't want it to either
here is a website on healthy diet and exercise, and may i suggest swimming, if you are unhappy with your body, as it is truly excellent.
http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/health_advice/facts/loseweight.htm
all my best wishes, please don't be a stranger if you feel you need a friend and someone to talk to, i can't very well turn you away in that respect!
Jemimah
xxx
