I think I've found a safe food. Today was the first day back at college. Trying to hide my *inner turmoil* sucked.

Anyway

Lunchtime rolls around, what to do what to do, don't wanna look abnormal on the first day back

It's pretty nice weather right now, and i made a discovery...
Duno if they exist in america, but there are these things in england called calipso/calippo "shots", which, as opposed to the 100cal ice lollies are only 25 calories for a whole carton. I can consume them slowly and look like i'm just enjoying an ice-treat on a hot day

Thank you baby jesus.

I haven't purged in about a week. It's all I can think about, and I want it badly. Everytime i go to the bathroom, I can think of nothing but how easy it would be to just lean down there and relieve the urge.

But There is nothing inside. Nothing to come out. My skirts that I bought for college slip and slide down my hips. I feel like I am retracting myself from the earth.

It's barely about appearance anymore. It's survival. If I eat, I will not allow what I have consumed to remain inside me.

I have to break the habit, and it's killing me.
I sleep next to my boyfriend every night, wondering about a binge solely so that I can purge it. Just to feel the high again, but I musn't, because I've been bleeding, and I can't let anyone know my secrets.
I think of mummy
and daddy
watching me from heaven, seeing the battles inside me. I feel demented. I wonder if they're proud, or if they're sickened by this thing that they created before they left.

I wonder about dying, and seeing them. I wonder about escaping the torments I suffered in the care system.

If I died, would it be any improvement on living?

But I love my boyfriend.

Next week, I'm going back to my own home, after staying for quite an extended period at my boyfriend's house, and I am worried about the freedom I'll have regarding food. At least here, It is not my own house, and I am slightly discouraged from raiding the cupboards in the dead of night intent on tearing myself from the inside. But when I get home, I'll only have my crappy self control to rely on. No dinner tonight, I musn't. It's been the same story for many nights.

Stay strong

Jemimah
xxx


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I've been having a couple of rough days, fasting always leaves me torn between the feeling of hunger and the longing to succeed. Also, my addiction to the glorious release of purging screams at me from the depths of my guts.

I go out, I try to distract myself. I wander through the supermarket aisles. Laxatives. Diet pills. Diet shakes. And the endless, sickly, enchanting rows of food, the chocolate, the carbohydrates in their many alluring forms, and oh god, oh god the cakes, the pizza, the deli counter. The vegetables don't even catch my eye. They stay in their rank section of cabbage-smelling stands, and I hate everything that enters my body, which is nothing but smells and sights. I want to stuff senna down my throat until I empty too violently to remain alive. I want to stuff all the evil simple carbs into myself, and then tear it back out with my own fingers.

This is my life. This is my day-to-day armada. To eat is to purge, but purging is dying slowly. I'm no anorexic, even when i try. Nature within me is food that gets ejected post-ingestion. If only I could be stronger, and say no altogether, forever. But the sickness is a drug. First, a satieting binge on everything I've ever dreamed of, which is everything that lives in my waking nightmares. Then, the bloated, crying, whimpering crawl to the bathroom, and freedom. Clean. Rinsed of everything that was within.

I'm telling myself that this, what I am writing, is not right. I'm telling myself that this blog was for helping others, better tips to make as healthy a lifestyle as possible out of this hell.

But I am going cold turkey on my absolute favourite thing, which is also the trident in the hand of the devil that tortures me. It is all I think of. It is all I want. I am the bile, longing to find its way up, and out of this acidic chamber.

Can you feel my desperation? can you feel it?

I cannot win. Eat or die.

But if I eat, I will want that relief, I will want to feed my hurling addiction.

And if I purge, like I'll want to

the blood that comes out of me will surely run thicker, and if it runs thicker

game. over.

This is a bad day. This is a cutting day. This is a day in which i will be unreachable. Not love, not friendship, not anything gets to me. Nothing but the urge.

and I think only of myself, and the others in the world that curl up, in the same ball as I do

and cry over the fat

and cry over the food

and cry over the hunger

and hurl themselves around the tomb of their withering bodies

and I love you all

xxx

egac sti ni staeb traeh eht
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Hello everyone. So sorry that I haven't posted in so frickin long! would take me ages to explain all the annoying crap that's sprung up, so I won't =p

anyway, Currently in the middle of a gruelling experiment with cleanses. Green tea is like a god to me. Over here in England, there was a one week break in February where my boyfriend tried to save me. I did really good, for three weeks, eating and even training again for marathons. I was covering some serious miles, and felt great. But just because I was doing well externally, That didn't mean that her voice was gone. Huh, all I could hear after a while was that soft, but persuasive voice, which turned harsh and malevolent if I tried to ignore it. So I stopped eating, again. And this is how I'll stay I guess.

Anyway, enough about me, I just wanna tell you, this site ROCKS, it tells you how long (ish) it should take you to reach your goals, on certain intakes/certain levels of activity.

http://www.losertown.org/eats/cal.php
Also, I can't emphasise enough just how important it is to lift weights and do crunches etc. You must do this if you are serious about reaching your goals.
I will come back, with some information about how to initiate (without fail) a bowel movement in the morning.Having regular bowel movements is key to weight loss.
speak soon, lovely readers
Jemimahxxx
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