Tonight has been the best night of the month.
Someone motivated me to bleed. I haven't felt this urge for years, but now, with my open flesh, I am free.
I have drank water today, a fair amount of it.
hours awake:110
Days since last ate:24

My photos on the beautiful ED community of which I am a member recieved a negative comment from one beautiful lady.
So I cut myself, as deeply as I could on the forearm, one for each of her words.
My blood makes lazy patterns down my arm, following gravity, changing direction as I change the position of my arm. I feel dizzy as I write this, but so ALIVE

xxx

Powered by WebRing.

Hours awake so far: 96.75
days since last ate: 23

I'd gotten to about...13 days without any water or other drink aswell.
But at about 3am this morning, I could see beetles crawling all over me, and I don't think they were really there. So i got a glass of water, and sipped it over the course of four hours. Gave me something to do. The sky was actually light at 3:39am. It was pretty.
When I don't eat or drink, and stay awake, i am privileged with pretty sunrises.

It doesn't even matter to me anymore that I can't sleep. I feel powerful. I NEED NOTHING.
I watch my boyfriend eat, when we're together. I know that I am stronger.
I sit across the room from him when he eats. I just watch him.
I know he doesn't want to bring it up. HE DOESN'T WANT TO ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I NO LONGER NEED SUSTAINANCE. I don't need sleep.

My mind is clear, and I feel good in the early hours of the morning, when I think long and hard about everything there is.
I feel like I know MORE because I have LESS,
and because I feel this way, I know that I HAVE MORE because I TAKE LESS.

I feel bad for people who haven't got this knowledge. When I walk in the street, people either don't even look at me, or they stare. I know I'm ugly. But they are waste receptacles for consumable garbage and swill.
They sleep in their beds at night and dream their worthless dreams, while I am awake.
seeing everything for what it REALLY IS.

Even the glass of water tarnishes my new state of power. I can taste blood at the back of my throat.
Punishment for consumption.
I am sorry, Claudie.
I will stop putting things inside me. We do not need them.

Jemimah
xxxx

Powered by WebRing.

So I haven't eaten in a while. I've stopped counting the days. I spend my days laying in bed, or brisk-walking around the neighbourhood...
Don't eat
never eat
or you'll purge
I hear voices in my head, and I think i'm going mad. I have a strange presence in my head. She is French. Her name is Marie-Louise Claudine Jeanne Therese.
I call her Claudie. She has my face
I don't know how much longer I will be able to pretend I am not mad, when I so clearly am.
My body has a cycle of puking up fluids that I can no longer name. Making me shit and quiver uncontrollably. Then I can't shit, no matter how hard I try.
My muscles ache.
I talk to my mind often. We conspire against my body.
I don't sleep, i just stay up all night. I feel manic, and on edge. I cruise websites for pictures of girls I want to be.
I am neglecting the love of my life in the same disgusting way that I am neglecting calories.
I avoid them both, not wanting their nourishment. Both make me swell, one with love and uncertainty, the other with pounds of weight that I'll never want.
My heart is screaming. But no one notices. I stay in my room.
I have never been so in touch with every twitch of emotion in me. I am what I used to hate. Neurotic and self-absorbed. Nothing else matters to me.
The exam stress triggered this fast. And this is not the ordinary 'fasting to be better tomorrow than I am today' fast.
This is the frightened, skittish avoidance of nourishment. I have sat, determined, in front of a boiled egg. A celery stick. A cube of cheese. A cube of chocolate. A glass of water. A cup of tea.
A tic tac.

None of these could I put into my mouth.

I physically cannot do it.
I am deliriously happy
I am deliriously scared.
I want help
I run away from help

I feel like soon I won't move. I'll lay, forever until I crumble away.
Is that so bad?

Jemimah
xxx

Powered by WebRing.